A day with no obligations. Slept til 2. Took a bath. Took a shower. Ate a sandwich. Played a game until I got bored of it.
Skipping a friend's thanksgiving dinner tonight for no reason other than I don't want to socialize.
My partner is in Boston doing an art show in collaboration with a kind and famous comedian, and I didn't go because I thought I had a thing.
When it turned out I didn't I couldn't find it in myself to overrule that decision.
I regret not going to Boston, it would have been neat, but I am just so tired. I need to rest, I can't seem to get rest.
I've been hacking on a side project and that's been fun, but there's just way more work ahead of me than behind me and I don't have the wherewithal to just sit down and press the attack.
@eldang it has been this bad since about march. it started really escalating about a year before that.
I'd say I burned out badly in 2013, took a few years to realize it, had a lot of personal stress plus an autism discovery in the past year, I dunno. Reasonable to just be in shock and processing at my own pace, maybe, but I'm starting to feel like I'm not a person. I am incapable of any kind of effort, somehow. I shut down, can't make myself do it.
@mykola [of course, I can't test this hypothesis but] I do wonder if a certain amount of temporary shutting down might be a thing you simply need. I can see how it would be worrying, disheartening and potentially a trigger of guilt, but could viewing it as temporary help you accept it for now?
@mykola Why do brains do what they do?
It sounds like you know this avenue you're on pretty well - these well-meaning gestures of self-care not quite reaching the place that craves care.
I wonder if your inner tiredness is asking for a different path, some other means of being seen and heard and cared-for, and awarded rest.
I wonder if the quenchless need for rest comes from a vigilance on some part of you - a night watchman always on duty. Can it be comforted?
@mykola I'm really impressed by this book, The Body Keeps the Score, by Bessel Van Der Kolk. I'd had it recommended years ago, then forgot until someone on the fediverse this week brough it up and I finally started it.
I was expecting more woo-woo and less neuroscience. He shows a lot of brain scan images. There's a lot to process here and I don't have any great advice but I'm ever amazed at the complexity of our brains and experiences and our abilities to heal and grow. I believe in you! 💚