I'm on 150mg lamotrigine now. My mood has been swinging absolutely wildly today. Like really. Everything lately has been dovetailing towards the convention this last weekend for various reasons, I'm obviously going to be pretty unstable right now.

I've felt so completely out of control for like a year, & on a longer scale 4 years, 8 years, 20 years. Hope this slight feeling of perspective this afternoon predicts at least a slight respite from the most recent focuses of my intensity & pain. Hope the mood stabilizer does what it's supposed to, I certainly don't feel stable atm. I've had enough emotions for several lifetimes, I would like to never have to think or talk about my feelings again.

@verycarapesque I hear this so fucking clearly.

My therapist told me last night that she thinks that I just experience emotions way more strongly than most people. I think this is correct.

I further suspect that emotions are actually senses calibrated towards internal state, and as such subject to Sensory Processing Disorder just as much as vision or hearing.

Some of us are hypersensitive to some or all feelings, some are hyposensitive, etc.

@mykola agree!! It definitely seems to be just how some people's brains are, physiological & genetic. Feeling emotions intensely. I don't think it's an acquired disorder, I think you need that specific difference in the first place, and some people simply feel things more intensely than others. I would like some numbness at this point :')

@mykola I can't function automatically in the world the way others do, just going through my day. It's baffling to most people, & embarrassing & alienating for me.

Follow

@verycarapesque This is the neurodivergent experience. The shame and self-negation that comes from a lifetime of it can be debilitating.

Everything started to change for me when I realized I was autistic - it gave me space to accept my weirdnesses as just who I am, rather than as some odd flaws I couldn't shake.

Have you explored this at all? Might you be on the spectrum?

@mykola my psychiatrist has suggested it but mostly dismissed it, though not entirely. I think that I generally do think of myself as on the spectrum, at least it's one of the only things which seems to really explain that experience of the world as someone different, odd & deeply sensitive. I have autistic friends who seem to understand me more than anyone else. It has helped me at times to think of myself that way, rather than someone with 'anxiety' who has been unable to fix myself

@verycarapesque So, would you mind if I pointed you at a few resources I've created after working my way past a similar point to the one you're describing?

These are things I wish I'd seen earlier in my life.

@verycarapesque

1) I wrote a twitter thread saying "a lot of you are autistic and don't know it" and described what it feels like to be autistic from the inside. It went a bit viral, and I've received countless DM's from people telling me it answered questions they'd given up on asking.

twitter.com/mykola/status/1112

@verycarapesque

2) Given the huge response, I wanted to create a more permanent home for this kind of thing and so I started `/r/autismTranslated` on reddit. The goal is to collect experiences and present autism in a relatable way so that undiagnosed adults can recognize themselves in it:

reddit.com/r/autismTranslated

@verycarapesque

3) Finally, I republished the pinned post on that subreddit on TheAspergian, where the editor added a bunch of links and cleaned it up a bit. So I'd maybe recommend reading this first, then the others?

theaspergian.com/2019/04/17/hu

@mykola that's great that they did that!! thank you!! I relate to some things but not all on the list, sometimes I wonder if the way I think of & describe my experience just don't line up with other's descriptions though, & I know you don't need to be all the things to be autistic... Thank you very much for taking the time to share with me

long quote, autism 

long quote, autism 

long quote, autism 

@mykola i think I have read some of this before you know, it's wonderful!

@mykola I think I may have learned to mask it 'too well' in some ways...though I think in others it's obvious & I don't know why people are so eager to tell me I'm 'not autistic'

Sign in to participate in the conversation
weirder.earth

The social network of the future: No ads, no corporate surveillance, ethical design, and decentralization! Own your data with Mastodon!