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It's tempting - autistic people struggle with eye contact, psychotic people often feel watched. Autistic people don't always have a shared social attention, psychotic people see conspiracy where everything is connected.
This feels maybe reductive but also maybe really interesting.
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Interesting. This 'diametric model' of the brain says that there is a cognitive faculty called 'mentalizing' which is just creating a mental model of some person and their internal state.
This theory says that sometimes people create really shallow, superficial models - or no model at all.
Other people create radically complex models, but they're filled with wrong details.
The theory says the first is called autism and the second is called psychosis.
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So uh I think I might be bipolar type 2? which I didn't know was a thing? but could explain why I have been just losing my shit at random, catastrophizing everything in my head, failing to form coherent memories of stressful situations, etc. All of this is BP2, potentially.
And BP2 apparently can be treated really successfully.
Looks like federation broke, I bounced it and we should be good. I'll check back in a bit to see if it needs anything else.
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I have been taking one of these every morning and it has helped me emotionally, mentally and physically more than any other medication I’ve taken - including the lexapro, which left me suicidal for months when I stopped taking it.
Making beef/pork stock for borscht tomorrow. My first time cooking it for my partner's mom's family, let's hope I remember to skim the fat off of the stock this time...
spending your entire childhood in a daydream as escapism leads to a persistent feeling of not belonging in this world as an adult. once you've spent so much time somewhere else, it's hard to learn how to be here now.
That warbling voice he uses in the flaming lips vocal solos is my jam.
“Will the fight for our sanity be the fight of our lives?” Etc.
Everything back clean, I'm back home. They said best guess it was a concussion with ancillary weirdness, but that I am still going to have to see a neurologist. yay!
Whacked my head something fierce this evening, a few hours later had a brief seizure.
I do not get seizures, so this development is alarming.
Now in the ER waiting for cat scan results.
Having an afternoon of just straight-up bawling to Soft Bulletin. I'd not given it a serious listen since my Troubles started, and now that I do I realize that it's so much richer than I even thought. It's about your world breaking but not having the courtesy to take you with it, and now you just have to fucking exist every damn day.
My adorable 3yo brother-in-law is currently really into two things: toilet humor and the Les Miserables soundtrack.
This results in scenarios like:
Me: Hey Jib, sing your favorite song!
Jib: "🎵There is a 🎵castle in a 💩 poopykaka hahahaha"
Hi if you can see this please reply to it! (if there are already a lot of replies you don't have to but if you want to say hi it's a good excuse!)
Are we back? Have I fixed us?!
Umm, hmm. It looks like federation is still broken, huh?
Sorry all I won’t have time until later to dig into it. We’ll get there!
Note to self next time this happens: `sudo docker-compose kill` and then `sudo docker-compose up -d` is enough. No need to dig through various internals trying to debug, just nuke it form orbit.
Hey we should be back and federating again! 👋
Bouncing server in a few, y'all, pardon any interruptions should be brief.
He and I were both hiding from the crowd in the kitchen but he never so much as made eye contact with me.