I've long suspected I'm #ActuallyAutistic and #ActuallyADHD. Earlier this year I started seriously examining it and after substantial reflection self-dxed. I thought I got through my "Wait, was that autism? Was that ADHD?" phase earlier in the year, but since receiving formal diagnoses a few days ago I've been flooded with more re-processing of my forty-ish years pre-diagnosis. This is my alt account focusing on that processing. DM for my main if you'd like.
RT 🔐: Survey on Social Camouflaging and Mental Wellbeing in Autism, by a researcher in a group I'm a member of - needs another 100 participants and is particularly short of men: https://keelepsych.co1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_e5QGVeWyQKRm8o5?fbclid=IwAR1cVMSqn0x81T4yIGAPNJBzxcPQoKK150-6SjcR1R4HeeDg1P_8_4nRKMY
Just had to go home from work *again* because of office noise. Manager knows it's an issue but he can't make facilities add sound insulation. Or, like, yaknow, walls. I don't want to work from home four days a week, but it looks like the direction this is going. It's scary, because I really don't want this to lead to me leaving the company.
Oh, shit, wait. This is a special interest thing! One of my coworkers showed up as a #StevenUniverse character, and I loved it! I'm baffled by most people's costumed because I don't connect at all to their topics!
Like, I still don't think I want to dress up (maaaybe next year? we'll see). But I maybe sorta get it a little better?
Halloween really weirds me out. Like, not unhealthy, just confused. People getting excited about the act of dressing up as random things. Sometimes really well; often mediocre execution. Sometimes just baffling. Like, a coworker is dressed as Student Debt (with a sign-label to make it clear what's going on).
I'm genuinely happy for them. I want them to keep doing this thing that clearly makes them happy. And I'm also mildly uncomfortable and 1000% baffled. #ActuallyAutistic
So... is "courage" just a NT version of consciously rejecting some kind social acceptance that auties don't really get (at least not the same way) in the first place? Is "courage" just giving up that privilege? And that's why it seems so impressive to NTs, because they can't imagine operating from a space where it's just... not that relevant?
And it's never made sense to me. A ton of trans people talk about "It doesn't feel like courage; I'm just... existing?" I feel the same way about a million different weird things that I just *do*. Not because I've examined the social impact of them and decided to take the risk and be courageous or whatever. But because... it's just... what I do? Because it doesn't fit in my head *not* to do those things? And those things get called "courageous." And I'm baffled because I didn't... *do* anything.
bad day. overwhelm, dissociate, meltdown (---)
On the transit ride home I was dissociating so hard that I didn't notice I was on the wrong train until two stops later. I basically don't remember the trip home at all. I did get home, though, and basically just dissociated and cried for like two hours straight. Worst I've had in probably 8 months. I reached out to my therapist to see if we can have an extra appt to talk about strategies for managing, because I *really* don't want that again. 2/2
bad day. overwhelm, dissociate, meltdown (---)
Roughest day in a very long time. I don't think I can type it all up, but it started with construction noise at the office. No, it must have started before that, but I honestly don't know how. The construction was when it started getting bad enough that I noticed. Within under an hour I went from tense to unable to cope and had to drop out of a meeting and leave the office. 1/? #ActuallyAutistic
Okay, so ignoring stress and overwhelm to hyperfocus on a special interest is one way to be productive. And when the interest is one that earns money (coding in my case, but whatevs) then capitalism rewards it. Also it can mean keeping a daily work routine, which is soothing. But like how do you know when the stress/overwhelm outweighs the benefits and you should just stay home?
Asking for a me. Today was good but I'm so dead.
Today for the Atlanta Pride Parade I stood in front of the haters and held prettier things in front of their terrible signs. One of the nice things about being a bit of a weirdo for most of my life is that when people are *obviously* terrible I find them really easy to just basically ignore. Bonus: Now I've learned how to use ear defenders and manage my sensory experience better so that parades and such aren't even terribly overwhelming.
Apparently there are loud events in the office for the next two days. Just told my boss that I'm working from home the rest of the week due to their shitty sound insulation. (I used nicer words with him.) I'm fortunate that I work in a job where it isn't a huge problem for me to do that, but honestly I really hate that I have to.
question for the autistic bubble
hey friends, I recently was in discussions on twitter where autistic people who are doing self advocacy were aligning with truscum trans activists to argue together against selfdiagnosis.
I asked a friend of mine why hes so against #selfdx, and then a person who I didn't know at all came + tried to discuss with me how much of a problem self-dxed autistic people were for selfadvocacy work and representation.
I ducked out bc I'm not autistic it's not my place.
One of those days when other people touching each other is setting off my touch aversion tension. #ActuallyAutistic
The social network of the future: No ads, no corporate surveillance, ethical design, and decentralization! Own your data with Mastodon!